The Hidden Signs and Cost of Self-Abandonment

Time and time again, I had the right answer on an exam, doubted myself, and switched it. I talked myself out of it and became so frustrated with my lack of ability to trust myself.

Time and time again, I was in a good mood and enjoying the day, but then someone I was close to would sigh in a way I sensed as disappointment or they would be silent, but I could pick up on the energy in room and then internally try to process it all and took it on as my own burden to smooth over whatever was going on.

Time and time again, I would stare at my screen, exhausted from the day, feeling the pull to just take a break, but the anticipated guilt of doing so kept me glued to the chair and pushing myself further like I was my own drill sergeant.

Time and time again, I would listen to someone’s complaints, placate them, calm them at any cost even if it meant silencing myself, then spending the following hours dissecting the interaction and feeling frustrated with myself.

Time and time again, I would seek out others’ opinions and validation subconsciously thinking that everyone had the right answer for me, yet ignoring my own internal voice.

Time and time again, I replayed the past in my head and gave myself harsh criticism, never showing myself grace.

The patterns I lived with became so familiar, I didn’t realize the cost. With it became a disconnection within myself in which I didn’t know what brought me joy or how to fully feel it. I was too busy tuning into other’s emotions. I didn’t know how to trust myself as I became reliant on the external world to define me and dictate my decisions. I didn’t realize I was worthy of more in my life and I settled into all the situations and relationships that felt “safe” because there was a sense of certainty in them. When my external circumstances didn’t match what my expectations, I thought I had to work harder, get another degree, please more people, fit perfectly into other’s lives and the roles they expected me to play. It became a hamster wheel I didn’t even know I was on at the time but felt the pressure to keep it going.

While I devoted my energy into being the “good girl”, the good employee, the good student, the responsible person, the dependable one, the good listener, the “happy girl”, I was leaving my true essence behind. I was turning my back on myself. I was ignoring my needs. I was silencing myself. I was building the “dream life” that I wasn’t even sure I wanted. I was abandoning myself.

Who knew choosing yourself could be so hard?

The thing is that I’ve come to realize is that when you abandon yourself, many people benefit from your stream of energy. Jobs love you. Society praises the hard work and sacrifice. Relationships expect you to continue down the same path, and there is no shortage of external judgment jumping at the opportunity to define you based on “standards”.

But…you know who doesn’t love you? You. You slowly and consistently teach yourself that you are not worthy of your own time and energy. Your silence, unmet needs, and exhaustive routines build up an inner resentment that over time becomes crushing.

Subconsciously you can hope someone will save you from this routine, someone will tell you to take a break or to go easy on yourself, one day maybe life will magically become easier, and things will smooth out.

We can’t wait for that day to come…because it never will. It is only when you choose yourself, dive into the root causes leading you to self-abandonment and make the steps forward healing from with that you live with freedom and fulfillment.

However, it is challenging to do this on your own. Even people far on their healing journey need support and someone to hold space for them. If you feel called to start your path toward self-loyalty and inner harmony, I invite you to join as a founding member in my membership launching January 2025!

You will be surrounded by women walking a similar path. You will feel seen, heard, and supported and guided every step of the way without the overwhelm of being bombarded with information. There is no shortage of information, but what most people struggle with is the integration and implementation to create the transformation. That is what you will gain in this community. Heal your inner child, discover your self-worth, regulate your nervous system, and reconnect with yourself in this one-time opportunity to be one of the founding member where your price is locked in for life.

If you feel the tug to join an amazing community or want to know more, send me an email!